Upside down
Friday 31st January 2020, a day I will always remember. The day that changed my entire life. And the most difficult and emotional blog I have ever written. Have a seat!
A day that started normal like any other day, I got up, took a shower and started working. At 11 am my husband, Christophe had an appointment at the doctors and we agreed to go together. It was the first time that we visited our new ‘doctor’. Who would have thought then that after 1 hour we arrived at the emergency room in the hospital of Alkmaar. Our new doctor, a friendly lady, gave us the advice to go directly to the hospital to the emergency room, so we did. After we arrived and checked in, we only had to wait 30 minutes before it was his turn.
After many questions, exercises, a CT scan, taking blood, and waiting, seeing one doctor after the other, the nurse moved his bed into a seperate room. I told Christophe, this is not a good sign. He remained positive and said, it will be ok.
10 minutes later, at 3:30 pm 2 doctors and the co-assistent entered the room, and I felt the tension going up and I felt my heart beating in my throat. In a professional and kind way, there is no good way to bring bad news, they told us, Christophe you are diagnosed with a tumor in your brain, and it’s huge. It doesn’t look good..... I trembled on my feet and I couldn’t say anything. After the doctors left the room, I started to cry and got next to him in bed. All sorts of thoughts are going through your mind, incredible. The plans you made together fall apart, and the insecurity is the most intense, not knowing what is going to happen.
After this ‘news’ he got an MRI scan and was brought to his room in the hospital. I was so emotional, needed support and called my uncle and aunt, they arrived 30 minutes later.
At 7:30 pm I drove back home in my car, alone, crying. It’s incredible how your life can turn upside down in just a few seconds. Normally I have no issues with being alone at home but as I entered the room of my house, it felt so empty. And then comes the other part, you need to inform the family and close friends…. And everybody has questions you can’t answer. You have the same questions. And the nights are the worse, you can’t sleep and your mind keeps you busy, with 1001 questions.
The Sunday after was my birthday, we planned to go for a wellness weekend, and ended in the hospital. I made the joke, it was the worst gift I have ever had!!
The emotional rollercoaster has a huge impact, and what you need to arrange (yes, I have been an event planner, but this is something else). People that you need to call, days filled with visits at the hospital, medications, second opinion, third opinion, schedule doctor’s visits etc. etc. etc. It keeps you on your feet.
The Wednesday after, after all the research was done, we had an appointment with the neurosurgery. That conversation which we thought would bring clarity, only gave us more questions than answers, and suddenly you have to make decisions which you should not make if you are 47 years old.
After that conversation Christophe was allowed to leave the hospital, but the stress, uncertainty and emotions remain. I have never cried so many times in the past weeks.
I decided to cancel all my trips to stay close to my husband. I remain working, only a few hours per day, because I need it, it changes my day and it keeps me busy. Despite all, I love my job. And how tough it sounds, I need to move forward.
As the year started, I told everyone, it’s going to be my year, a good year and already after 1 month my entire perspective has changed. I’m living day by day. I am a positive person, always optimistic but it’s hard. Because we both know the chance that we still have a future together is so terribly small. And I can’t accept it, we both can’t.
We are surrounded by lovely people, thank you so much for your support and love.
In Dutch we have a saying: Geniet van het leven want het duurt maar even; which means enjoy your life because it’s short. Indeed, lovely readers, enjoy your life, don’t wait for tomorrow!