Three years feels like an eternity, on the other hand it feels like it happened in just a snapshot.

Compared to where I stood three years ago and now, two totally different worlds. I moved from Egmond aan Zee, the northern part of the Netherlands back to my roots to the south west of the country. I moved back into my elderly home where I was born and grew up, in the little village called Koudekerke. I never ever thought that I would come back to Zeeland, the province where my journey started. Something I learned, never ever say never!

I’m living with another man, a funny expression but it’s the damn truth. After my husband died in 202, I moved back home and am now living with my father. We both lost our partners, just 6 weeks in between. And I’m still here…in Koudekerke. And for now I’m not moving anywhere. Who would have thought that this sentence would come from me?

My life as an international entrepreneur until 2021 who became a digital nomad in 2022 and now I have a more steady life working full time for an association called Westerlicht in my own region. Switching from the events industry as a destination marketer, now using my experience for a Dutch association supporting four centres where people and their loved ones facing cancer can enter. I know how important it is to be supported and surrounded by people who understand and see you. My job is to support the four locations spread over the province Zeeland on all levels, from supporting the local teams, creating more awareness, to building a solid future proof structure. An interesting challenge and I am grateful to work and to share my experience from my personal and professional life. Yes, it’s a huge learning curve on all levels.

Guilty

Sometimes I feel guilty, and people who lost their partner know what I’m saying. I’m now the one deciding my own journey. Which is cool, I can decide what I want to do, where I want to go. The downside is that my grieving journey is requiring so much energy to do this all alone, that you don’t have the energy to plan everything ahead, it would be fantastic to have a buddy. Not just for advice, support, but also that you don’t need to plan your whole social life. With a partner you can spontaneously make a decision, let’s have dinner tonight. Here I need to manage and plan it all all alone. And a long time ahead as everybody is busy. And you don’t know if you have the energy to join that dinner or party next week or month. Missing your soulmate is damn painful, not only on an emotional level, especially a big hug when you have a shitty moment…

Just to share a simple example. This morning I was practising yoga and the tears came, my eye caught a sticker on a painting written by Christophe. Mariska & Mr. C. It is such simple triggers that make you emotional. For the people who are facing grief, move, and let the emotions out. Every time I go jogging I cry, it’s so healing to let your tears out.

Life is like a train ride

The shift in my social life is huge, which was painful and confronting. You just not only lose your husband, your soulmate, you also lose other people. Something I never realised.

If I look towards the people that I have met during and after Christophe died, it’s a major shift and difference. Which is logical, because you need people who understand your journey, but it’s painful sometimes to let people go. Because you think you need them and you don’t want to be alone. All the widows know that I mean because the majority loses 50% of their contacts, and more. My father is facing the same process. Therefore it was the best decision to move back in with my fathers. He literally saved me, giving me a solid base.

The saying is, life is like a train ride, some people only join you for 1 station, and only a very few will travel longer with you, or join you the entire journey.

If I look back on the 3 years and the people I have met during my journey during my life as a digital nomad and after, it’s incredible. From Germany to Albania, from France to Slovenia and from Croatia to Luxembourg. The stories they shared, the suggestions and advice they gave, the tears and the joys and the crazy adventures, it was damn worth it. The entire journey as a digital nomad during 2 years, was rewarding. If I look back on my entire journey which was confronting and tiring at energising and healing at the same time. The camper was the best medicine, the combination of being outside and facing the process on my own.

Mariska 2.0

I can honestly say I have grown and learned more in the past 3 years than before, at least that’s how it feels for me. Sometimes I say, I wish that more people would go through a grieving process, the world would be a better place. And face the confrontation. Let me be clear, I wish that everyone will stay healthy and happy and I don’t want to wish anyone bad luck or have to go through the same process as me, no! Just the process makes you more grateful and appreciate the smaller things. I became milder for myself, more grateful and less judgmental.

Me, always very down to earth and spirituality, I found it vague and strange … Well, again, I have to come back to my own words. I entered a completely new world and learned so much of every step I’m taking. I will share more information in my next blogs

Cacao ceremony with Iboica - summer 2024

Health

My sleeping pattern has improved, still not what it was 3 years ago, but the line is going up. Which gives me again a lot of energy, great. Grief is interlinked with your body and mind, I never thought that this process had a tremendous impact on everything, especially your health. After 3 years, I feel more balanced but I know it’s a very thin and fragile line. Everyday is a new challenge, how far can I go? Especially as I hung my head above the toilet 2 weeks ago, literally everything came out… I know I have reached my limits!!! You have to take a step back. Which I did, cancelled all my social appointments for the upcoming weeks.

What’s next…..

Where do I go? What do I want to do?

10001 questions still go through my mind.

I’m always eager to learn and to develop myself as an entrepreneur.

Life is like a box of chocolate, you never know what you’re going to get.

I love my new challenge at Westerlicht, which gives me a lot of satisfaction, opportunities and learning a lot, which is great.

I have to learn to trust the future and the process.

Time will tell :-)

Carpe diem. Enjoy today.

Time for joy

Match made in heaven