Me time
9 months … and 3 days … Time flies, it’s so cliché, but so true. 15 th of July, the day will always be in my mind. The day that you left us, the day that you finally got your peace.
Some people think that I’m doing great, people see me as strong, courageous, but I don’t see myself that way. I am just trying to make the best out of every day, over and over again. One of the wishes of Christophe was that I would be happy, and that I would continue with my work and travels. There have been days that I didn’t want to get out of my bed, I just didn’t had any purpose, missing the lack of energy and don’t want to feel the pain and the loss. And still occur that it’s difficult, for example to focus or to be productive, and that I cry before I go to sleep. It’s all normal losing 4 of your loved ones in just 5 months time. It leaves it marks on all levels on my life and it comes out on the most strange moments. Like my therapist says, it comes in waves.
I miss Christophe everyday but especially at those particular moments when he would solve the problem, like opening the water tank of my camper, of fixing the problem with my battery. He would have had the patience to open the watertank, and exactly then, I am angry, frustrated but moreover emotional; why him, why isn’t he here anymore? We were a team, we were buddies and understood each other sometimes without saying a word. We supported each other and went through many challenges together.
Just I would like to have
Just one more hug
Just one more kiss
Just one more laugh
Just one more word
Just one more time waking up together …
And all the plans we had for the future ...
I sincerely enjoy the moments that I am in Poland surrounded by people from the industry, friends, creating new memories, exploring new cities and eperiencing new adventures. And even sometimes I do feel guilty, we could have done this together, and no better companion than my best buddy, my best friend and loving husband.
I know he’s with me, everywhere I go. And I know he’s in a better place. Despite the fact that I don’t wake up alone in my camper, two pair of green eyes staring at me every morning, I also feel grateful for the opportunities he gave me. I have a lots of nice, beautiful and unique memories. Do you know that I still wear his watch, his socks or even his T-shirts? It keeps me comfort, and to feel that he’s really with me.
No one can help me to go through this grieving process, I have to do this alone. I am surrounded by great friends and family and yes I do feel alone but not lonely. No better way to deal with a grieving process is to face it. I cry and I laugh, when I have to, and I’m not ashamed to show my emotions.
It makes me happy to be on the road again, starting a new chapter in my life and I have no clue where it goes… My life has always been very adventurous (literally on all levels) I have to accept that every day is a gift, never take anything for granted and learn to appreciate what you have.
PS And, please don’t hide the topic, I love to talk about my best buddy :-)
Happy Easter