Sometimes there are no words to describe or express your feelings and emotions. I am in this situation…. and it’s so difficult to find the right words to share that I lost four of my loved ones in 5 months time? I don’t think there aren’t any.

This is the exact reason why I haven’t been active online. I was blocked, due to emotions, due to the fact I was exhausted, I just couldn’t publish a new blog post. I had so many things on my mind with the little energy that I had. And after the tribute of my father in law in March I just couldn’t publish another tribute, it was too much.

On the 4th of May I brought my husband to the emergency department of the hospital. From one second to the other, he couldn’t walk or stand anymore. Just 30 minutes before he walked to the toilet alone, incredible. Together with my neighbour we put Christophe in the car and drove to the hospital. After some research and scans, our concerns were confirmed, the tumor is back. Two weeks later I brought him home. 

On Saturday afternoon, 22nd of May I got a call from my father that my mother passed away suddenly. Yes, she was ill for almost 20 years, had MS but there were no symptoms that she would leave us so quickly. In normal circumstances I would have jumped in my car and drove to my dad to support him, but he understood more than anyone else, he was a caregiver for my mom during the past 15 years, that I just couldn’t leave Christophe alone at home, especially not at this stage. Luckily my brother supported my father to arrange the funeral.

In the same week, on Wednesday 26th May I went to the hospital with my husband where we received the news that no more treatment is possible. Deep in my heart I knew, but you still keep the hope alive. You just don’t want to face reality, and Christophe said to the doctors, I will be back when I recover. None of the doctors reacted because we all knew, this is your last visit. Nobody wanted to take his positivity away, and we left the hospital for the last time together.  

That Friday I attended the funeral of my mother alone as Christophe was too weak to join me during the ceremony. Mixed feelings, it was a beautiful ceremony and despite the restrictions, we were able to get around with it and 140 people came to the cemetery to share their condolences. Which was of huge support to my father. But standing at the grave of my mother, knowing that in a few weeks we will be reunited again.

Cherish your moments, create beautiful memories and enjoy life 15th July 2021

When I got back home from the funeral, Christophe was not able to walk anymore, the tumor caused dysfunction on the left side of his body, which means, his left leg and left arm were simply not working anymore. Which means I changed my job function and became a nurse for 24 hours a day, and took care of him at home. Together with a fantastic team of local nurses and the support of our doctor. I slept on the couch in the living room to spend the last weeks being close to him.

On 6th July I received the news that Miek, my client, friend, and mentor got hit in a car accident and lost her life. I was devastated, and couldn’t stop crying, why are all these lovely people leaving earth too soon? Standing at the bed of my husband knowing that he entered the last phase. He was not able to support me anymore, the tumor had already had such a tremendous impact on his health that speaking was already difficult, the quality of eyes was very low and his energy level was just nowhere. He didn’t want to see anyone anymore, he was just too tired. The care of the nurse in the morning was already too much. 

A week later, the moment was there… the 15th of July, and to be honest, there’s nothing in the world that can prepare you for the loss of your soulmate, best friend and partner in crime. It felt like a short circuit (kortsluiting) in your head and the impact was tremendous. I lost my appetite, my brain stopped working, I just couldn’t remember anything anymore and sleeping, horrible. For the first time in my life I took sleeping pills. And my energy level was at the same page as a snail. 

We prepared a farewell in the dunes, in style. No crematorium or church but a location that aligned with his love and passion for nature and the sea. He was a very special man and deserved a personal, warm, and emotional farewell. Of course we had difficult moments but we also laughed, had a beer together and toasted. Christophe wanted that we would cherish the beautiful memories and to continue with our lives.

Back home

One of the things that I decided is to move back in with my father, he lost his wife and his son in law, and also a friend, and we support and take care of each other in these special times. I still live close to the sea but back in the house where I was born and raised in the south west of the Netherlands, Koudekerke in Zeeland. It’s strange to be back after more than 23 years of absence.

My mission

My focus is to continue with the work of Christophe, to support others who are in a similar position. This will be done by spreading my book but also by giving presentations for caregivers, hospitals and associations. And you can support our mission! If you know a great bookstore for a book signing session or for a presentation, that would be amazing. Or are you in touch with related associations, let me know. Or you can buy the book and support the association Zindividu. We appreciate every gesture.

Thank you

A huge thank you for all your support, cards, flowers, messages, calls and more. I’m very grateful for all your warmth and positive energy. With time I will reply to you all, just as my recovery process is still busy and it will take months, perhaps even longer. I have a new life, a life that I haven’t chosen for, but I have to accept it, I have to move on.

Nothing is the same. And the missing of my loved ones on every level is something you simply can’t imagine, especially after being so intense together with Christophe due to Corona and the entire journey.

Cherish the moments, create beautiful memories and enjoy life!

Mariska