Today it’s my birthday, I will turn 45 years old.

A time to celebrate life… but honestly I prefer to avoid this day and be far away from anyone, and spend it somewhere alone. I have never been a fan of my birthday, it never meant much for me. But this year it’s different. Feeling like I have a rope around my neck.

Dreams

Christophe and I made a promise, when he will turn 50 years and me 45 years old, we will take a long break and travel for a few months. That moment has come…

I am now 45 years old, and …. widow. 

At this age, most people have their shit together and my life is a chaos, a mess. I miss my Yin, my balance, my buddy, my love everywhere. Never thought that I would be living with my father in the little village where I grew up, sleeping in my old bedroom. I’m very grateful for his support during the time in which I needed it the most, but it’s not ideal. It’s not what I want. But it’s the reality!

If I see a couple in love enjoying their meal or a drink, I smile. I'm happy for them, but the pain in my heart is devastating. I’m not jealous, just nobody can replace my buddy.

Its a mess…

Despite looking better, I gained weight, picking up new projects etc. but inside…. it’s a complete mess. Grief only gets worse with the years. And on top, it will enter your body. All the stereotypes, they are Oh So Very True…. !!! My grieving therapist warned me already but you only realize when you experience it yourself. It’s the second year when the grieving journey hits you the most. That moment has come.

I have to reinvent myself completely. It’s like with a computer, a full restart. Every detail suddenly has a different meaning. And another important element, a grieving process also touches your past. It’s a complex process and the journey just has started. Like someone told me, it’s like being homesick. You want to go back but you can’t.

Carpe diem

Life goes on… another cliché. And Christophe would not have me avoiding people on this particular day. I will go to Ghent this weekend, to the bar where I met Christophe for the first time in 2008, and celebrate life, cherishing beautiful memories of the time we spent together. I will raise the glass and toast to my past life, extremely grateful for meeting the love of my life and the time we spend together. And I will toast to my future, my new life, not knowing what will come, and taking one step at the time.

I have great support, lovely people around me who support me on my journey but they can’t take my pain away.  

After celebrating my birthday in Ghent, I will prepare my next journey. I’m going back on the road with my camper and my best ever companion, Loekie, my adorable cat. Probably the first of March, a good date. It’s time to hit the road again, time to move on. I will keep my promise to Christophe, travel, you go girl he said before he left me. I know you are proud of me, Christophe but damn, it’s so so painful to accomplish this mission alone.

I thought that the path of entrepreneurship was tough, I have to admit that it was peanuts compared to the challenges that I have faced the past two years, and for the ones that are still coming along my bumpy journey.

#mariskajourney #grief #grievingprocess #loss #entrepreneur